But I Told You To Do It This Way

On the job, as in life, we learn to tell others what to do. We first learn these skills when we are in our earliest positions of power, such as big brother or older neighbor to easily influenced siblings or neighbors. We tell them “It would save Mom money if we cut our own hair — why don’t you go first?” or “Ride this plastic horse down the stairs and let’s see what happens.” In so doing, we learn how powerful we are to influence others.

As we grow older, we refine our techniques. We might say “You’re doing that wrong, you need to hold your handlebars like this.” No longer content to simply make suggestions, we now want them to act in exactly the way we’ve told them.

As we begin in a career, we once again become that younger neighbor. Invariably, there is someone in the cube next to you, let’s call her Shelly, who has 3 1/2 months more experience than you do, and she’s taking us under her wing to “show us the ropes.” With an air of confidence, she imparts to us, “Never talk to Fred before 10AM, he’s a real jerk before he’s had three cups of coffee,” or “Be sure and leave work right at 5:25 so you can ride down in the elevator with the boss.” And, as we want to get ahead at the firm, we listen and imitate Shelly. Shelly feels powerful, and we do not. We resent Shelly.

This changes when we become the boss. We become that big brother or sister again, and we proceed to tell our direct reports, and perhaps some of our weaker peers, how to think and act. In the interest of helping, we re-write faulty memos and tell them exactly what to say when they’re making a presentation in front of the big boss. Feeling good in our newfound confidence, we begin to make suggestions about where they might want to consider buying a condo, or what school at which to get their MBA (your alma mater, of course!).

Suddenly, you find yourself offended that the employee bought a condo across town from your recommendation. Just as the big brother dismisses his younger sister when she resists his suggestion of how to wash the family dog in chocolate milk, we are surprised. What a stupid thing to do! “They must be too green to know better,” we say knowingly. “Perhaps I shouldn’t trust her judgment so much,” we note. We become more guarded in our interactions with them, and the relationship and the work suffers.

We only become more powerful as a manager when we realize that it is not the suggestion that limits us, but rather our emotional investment in having our suggestion (order?) followed. We are not genuinely interested in our co-worker finding a condo that he loves, but rather in him following our suggestion. Why? Probably because it validates our power as the authority.

So the next time you are tempted to tell a team-member how to do something, what if you asked her how she would like to do it, first? You might be surprised that she plans to do it the same way you would. And to that you could say, “great idea.” Therein lies the power of leadership.